


cold pizza/tie dye shirts/broken hearts

by katieelle



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Depression, Eating Disorders, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rich Goranski's Lisp, Suicide Attempt, it's the halloween fire, not graphic though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 00:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15376278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katieelle/pseuds/katieelle
Summary: Rich Goranski: pre-squip, with squip, and post-squip.





	cold pizza/tie dye shirts/broken hearts

**Author's Note:**

> this is heavily inspired by the watsky song "sloppy seconds." 
> 
> "I don't care where you've been  
> How many miles, I still love you."
> 
> i have sooo much stuff i wanna write sjfhjadfhj i even made a list of things i need to write. i'll put that list in the end notes if anyone's interested ?? also btw the weed in the ceiling tile thing is 100% inspired by the girls at my school who deadass hid weed in a cracked open ceiling tile in a bathroom.

He’s eating lunch in the bathroom again. 

It’s supposed to be pizza, but it looks (and tastes) more like cardboard. There’s a side of peas and he chews a spoonful of them before deciding that they’re just as disgusting as the fake meat. He takes a sip of chocolate milk to wash down the awful aftertaste. So he has nothing to eat, but that’s okay. It’s not like he needs to eat anyway. He’ll wait out the period here in this stall, and when the bell finally rings, he’ll dump his uneaten lunch in the trash. 

Just like he’s done every day of his freshman year so far. 

He hears the door creak open and he can see shoes walking through the bathroom under the stall. Oddly, they stop in front of his stall. There are plenty of urinals and stalls, so he starts getting a little concerned about what this person wants. Are they looking for him? No, no one’s looking for him, but he can’t come up with any other reasonable explanation. 

He considers leaving, but then whoever it is will see his tray of food and know that he eats in the bathroom. He thinks maybe they’re just on their phone or something and coincidentally stopped in front of the only occupied stall, but more time passes and they don’t leave. 

“Sorry, but is there any chance you’ll be out of that stall soon?” he hears the person ask. The voice is vaguely familiar, like maybe he has a class with him but has never really talked to him. He doesn’t answer right away, he waits for an explanation, because  _ what the fuck  _ kind of a question is that? “It’s just that I really need that stall.” 

“There are other thtallth,” he reminds him, trying hard to cover up his lisp. It doesn’t work, it never does. He hates the way it sounds. He hates talking. 

“I know, but there’s something I need from that one.” 

Rich knows it’s stupid, but he can’t help but notice that he didn’t point out his lisp. Usually, when he talks to someone for the first time, they’ll comment on it or ask what’s wrong with him. But this guy didn’t even mention it. “Alright, fine,” he says. He’ll have to leave carrying his full tray of food, but at least he’ll get left alone and the stranger will get whatever the hell it is he needs from the stall. 

He opens the door and sheepishly stares at the ground as he walks out. “Cool, thanks,” the guy says. He  _ does  _ recognize him. He’s in his English class and he’s pretty sure his name is Jake. He sits in the back of the class and only really talks to Chloe and Brooke, so Rich doesn’t see him too often. But now that he is seeing him, talking to him a little bit, he realizes that he’s actually kind of cute. 

And Rich wants to slap himself for thinking that.

He should go, but he hangs around in the bathroom, curious about what Jake needs that specific stall for. He watches him put the toilet lid down and climb on top, reaching up to a ceiling tile. He pushes up on it, and without much effort, it pops open. He slips his free hand through the crack and pulls out a plastic bag of weed, which he shoves into the pocket of his coat. 

“You’re still here?” he asks when he hops down and sees Rich still standing there, eyes wide in both confusion and awe. 

“Thorry, I wath jutht--”

“No, it’s okay,” Jake says, taking a step closer. “As long as you don’t tell anyone.” He looks down at Rich’s tray of food, the pizza with half a bite taken out of it and the watery peas. “Are you gonna eat that?” 

Rich holds the tray out to him, offering up the leftovers. “No. You can have it.” 

“Gross, I don’t want that,” Jake says. Rich retracts his arms, bringing the tray back to his chest. “The period’s almost over. You should eat something.”

He doesn’t know why Jake Dillinger seems to care so much about whether he eats or not, so he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know if he’s being serious or not. This could be some elaborate joke, and if he is, he’s not going to fall for it. “I’m fine,” he says, trying to sound nonchalant. Jake is so much taller, he towers over him. Rich straightens out his back to make himself seem taller. 

“You sure?” Jake furthers, but Rich stands his ground. “Because I got half a ham sandwich if you want it.”

“Oh, really?” A ham sandwich actually sounds pretty good. Better than the cafeteria’s sad excuse for a cheeseburger, at least. “Yeah, thure. I’ll take it.” 

He follows Jake out of the bathroom and back to the cafeteria, where he has a lunchbox with half a ham sandwich inside, as promised. 

It’s the first time all year that Rich doesn’t eat alone. 

-

Throughout the year, there are some days when Rich still eats in the bathroom. (Or, more accurately, doesn’t eat, but pretends he is.) But then there are days when he and Jake find an empty table and lunch and sit together. Those are the best days because Jake always packs some extra food for Rich and makes sure he eats. 

They don’t sit together every day because Jake still has other friends, like Brooke and Chloe and Dustin to sit with, and they don’t seem to like Rich very much. Rich can understand why. 

“Hey,” Jake says when he sits down next to Rich. “How’s it going?”

Rich watches him unpack his lunch — two slices of leftover pizza (which is better cold anyway), two granola bars, and two apples. “I’m okay,” Rich says. He can’t even tell if he’s telling the truth or not anymore. It’s just something he’s gotten used to saying. “Lookth good,” he adds, as Jake hands him a slice. 

Jake’s eyes light up. “It does? That’s great!” Jake takes a bite from his own slice. “How’d you do on that alg test? I’m pretty sure I failed.” 

Jake is the only person Rich can really have a conversation with. They don’t talk outside of school, or even outside of the cafeteria really, so Rich doesn’t know if he can even consider him a friend. But he’s definitely something. “Shitty,” he responds through a mouthful of cold pizza. 

“Well, at least we failed together,” Jake laughs. “Oh, I almost forgot,” he says, reaching down to one of the side pockets of his bookbag. He pulls out a bottle of water and hands it over to Rich. “You need something to drink, too.” 

Rich looks at the water, the pizza, the apple and the granola bar. “Why are you doing thith?” he finally asks. And, of course, he’s grateful. It just doesn’t make any sense. Jake is so popular, he has tons of friends, why would he be hanging out with  _ Rich  _ at lunch, of all people? 

“Because you’re too nice to be as lonely as you are.” Jake reaches up to touch the stripe of red in Rich’s hair. “Eat your apple.”

-

It’s the summer after freshman year, and oddly enough, Rich is at Jake’s house because it’s hot as fuck outside and he has a pool. 

It’s something that Rich still can’t believe is actually happening. One of the coolest guys in school is hanging out with  _ him,  _ outside of school, voluntarily, at his own house. There are sometimes when Rich still thinks Jake doesn’t actually like him and this is just part of an over-the-top prank, and at the end of the year, he’s going to reveal that he was just pretending to be his friend the whole time. 

Jake is doing laps around the pool and Rich is sitting at the edge, with his legs dangling in the water. “Aren’t you getting in?” Jake calls from the other side of the pool, out of breath. 

“It’th cold,” Rich says, kicking at the water. “I’ll get in thoon.” His house is pretty big, but it’s quiet. It seems like there’s no one else home, but there are cars sitting in the driveway. “Where are you parenth?” Rich asks, hoping he’s not coming across as too nosy. 

Jake looks up at him from across the pool, droplets of water sticking to his skin. He doesn’t look sad, or particularly happy. “They left.”

“Left? What do you mean?” Rich asks. “Will they be back?”

“They’ll come back eventually. They always come back.” Rich stares down at his feet in the water. How is that okay? How is Jake just okay with that? Is Rich supposed to be okay with that? “Don’t make it a big deal. It’s not a big deal.” 

Rich doesn’t ask any more questions about it.

“Have you ever heard of a thquip?” Rich asks, changing the topic. 

“Never. What is it?” 

Rich doesn’t even know why he brought this up. Jake is just going to think he’s crazy when he tries to explain it, and he’ll think he’s even crazier when he says he’s considering buying one. “I was playing thith video game online the other night and thith guy wath talking about it. Apparently, it’th thith pill from Japan, and when you take it, you get a computer thing in your brain that tellth you what to do.”

Unsurprisingly, Jake  _ does  _ look at him like he’s crazy. “Sounds like that guy’s just fucking with you. Or he was really high. Probably both, actually.” 

“Maybe, but he thaid you can get one at Payleth. There should be a guy there thelling them from a shoebox.” 

“That...makes this even  _ less  _ believable,” Jake says. And he’s right, but Rich can still hope. If what that guy said was right, he could change his whole life forever. It’s worth a shot, at least. “But even if it was true, why would you want that?”

Rich stares at him, stunned. “Why wouldn’t you?” he asks. “You’d alwayth have thomeone telling you what to do. You wouldn’t have to worry about thaying or doing the wrong thing all the time,” Rich explains, and each pro of the squip that he lists off makes him feel even more tempted to see if he can find mysterious Payless shoebox guy. “Maybe then people would actually like me.” 

“Well, you don’t have this squid — quip — quid...whatever. You don’t have it now and I like you.” 

“You’re embarrathed by me.”

It’s something Rich has always known in the back of his mind, but was always too scared to admit it out loud. Until now, apparently, and Jake looks genuinely taken aback by his declaration. “That’s not true at all,” he says, but Rich doesn’t exactly believe him. He wants to, he really does, but he can’t. 

“You never talk to me around your other friendth. It’th like you’re thcared of what they’ll think of me.” 

“I don’t talk to you around my other friends because I don’t want you getting hurt.” Jake seems to be getting pissed off, his face going red, his voice growing louder. But he takes a few moments to calm himself down, slow, deep breaths before he speaks again. “My friends are assholes, okay? You don’t even know half of the shit they say about you behind their back. I try to defend you every time, but they act like they don’t even hear me. I really don’t want to see them be dicks to you to your face.” 

Rich wants to ask why he’s still friends with them, but he already knows the answer and he thinks hearing Jake say it out loud will kill him. It’s because Jake’s other friends are more important to him than Rich. And Rich gets it, he really does. Jake isn’t obligated to be his friend, or even care about him at all. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less. 

“I think…” Rich starts, trailing off. He gets out of the pool, water dripping his legs and landing on the cement. “I think I’m going to go home.” Jake opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t. He’s quiet. “Thorry, Jake.” 

He doesn’t talk to Jake for the rest of the summer. 

And he definitely doesn’t tell Jake when he gets his squip. 

-

By the time they’re back in school, Rich has had his squip for a month or two. It took a long time to get used to it, but now, he does things the squip wants him to do without even having to think about it. His lisp slowly started to go away, and now, it’s barely noticeable anymore. He no longer finds himself attracted to boys. 

He thinks these are good things, because his squip tells him they are. 

When he walks into school and heads down the hallway, for the first time, he doesn’t try to hide behind everyone else. He doesn’t keep his head down, looking at the floor. He walks with his back up straight, flashing smiles at cute girls that he passes. He’s sure they don’t even recognize him because they actually smile back. 

He’s heading to his homeroom when he sees Jake at his locker, organizing his new books and binders for the year. Rich hasn’t talked to him since that day at the pool. Maybe Jake won’t even realize who he is, nobody else does. He approaches Jake and leans up against the locker next to him. “Hey,” he says with a grin. 

Jake looks up and does a double take. “Rich?” he asks, squinting at him. “Is that you? Richard Goranski?” 

Rich laughs, runs a hand back through his styled hair. He’s recently re-dyed the red stripe in his hair, it’s more bright now. “Yeah,” he answers with a nod. “Guess you could say I got a bit of a makeover the summer.”

“Oh, oh shit! Your lisp!” Jake notices. “It’s gone.”

“I grew out of it,” Rich lies. 

“That’s...good. Right? Is that good?” Jake asks. “I mean, not that  _ I  _ ever cared about your lisp, but it seemed like it bothered you.

“I’m glad I can talk normally now,” Rich says. “See? Sand. School. Asshole. Soap.”

Jake looks pretty impressed, listening to him intently and smiling when he hears him pronounce the ‘s’ sound. “Yeah, man. And you look different, too.”

Rich looks down at himself and what he’s wearing. He used to wear these ugly tie-dye t-shirts with khakis, but now, he cuts the sleeves off those t-shirts and looks way cooler. And wouldn’t be caught  _ dead  _ wearing khakis. “I guess I do,” he laughs. 

“You’ve gotten muscles,” Jake points out. He stands up and grabs one of Rich’s arms, running his hand over the firmness of his bicep. Their eyes meet, and Jake instantly pulls away. “Sorry. Bells gonna ring soon, I should probably get to homeroom.” Jake slings his backpack over his shoulders. “See you at lunch, right?” Rich nods in confirmation and then Jake is heading down the hall, turning left into his homeroom. 

Throughout the year, Rich will spend more time trying to climb up the social ladder than doing schoolwork. Everyone will know his name, and they won’t know him as the weird kid who hides in the bathroom at lunch and never talks. He’ll date the popular girls, like Brooke and Chloe, and he’ll have a lot of friends. Including Jake. And he’s going to have the best school year of his life.

And he  _ won’t  _ fall in love with Jake Dillinger. 

-

Rich has thought about trying to take his squip out before. Like when he didn’t agree with what it was telling him to do, it when it wouldn’t leave him the fuck alone when he was trying to focus on something. But this is a whole different level. 

It’s been a while since he got his squip — a little over a year. And so far, the changes it made to his life had been wonderful. It gave him everything he wanted. But now he’s at a Halloween party at Jake Dillinger’s house and all he wants is for the squip to get the fuck out of his head. 

It is  _ screaming  _ at him. Screaming the most awful things and he doesn’t know what to do because this has never happened before. It’s like it’s malfunctioning, which makes sense because it  _ is  _ a computer after all. And the  _ shocks.  _ Rich has always known that it had the ability to shock him, but it didn’t happen too often because he always eagerly complied. But now he’s getting shocked almost non-stop and he’s starting to wonder if it’s enough to kill him. 

He knows that Mountain Dew red shuts it off. He doesn’t know  _ why _ , but it does, and he  _ needs it.  _ So everyone at the party is looking at him like he’s insane as he’s twitching like a dying bug and pleading with everyone to  _ get Mountain Dew red.  _ They brush it off like it’s nothing, probably thinking that Rich got his hands on coke or something, and Rich is so,  _ so  _ frustrated. 

Nobody is listening to him, not that he expects them to. He knows he looks and sounds crazy, but there’s nothing he can do. He needs to get this squip shut off somehow. 

And then he has a thought. 

His squip can’t get to him if he’s dead. 

It’s an answer to the end of this torment, and maybe it isn’t the most practical answer, but it’s an answer nonetheless. He doesn’t know what else he can do, and at this point, all he wants is for it to end. He doesn’t know how much longer this will last, and he doesn’t know how much more he can take. He finds a bottle of Cognac and a lighter and takes them with him, his hands shaking the whole time. 

He finds an empty room and pops the lid off the bottle, tossing it to the side. He starts pouring it out, dousing the carpet with every drop. When there’s just a sip left, he tilts his head back and swallows it down, then flicks the lighter and throws it into the middle of the room. 

There’s a spark, an explosion, and then flames. 

-

He’s alone in his hospital room. It’s been a few days since he woke up, and even though the burn scars are still prominent on his skin, they’re starting to hurt less. He’s getting pretty sick of eating the awful hospital food, though. 

How he survived is beyond him. How  _ everyone  _ survived is beyond him. That was a house full of drunk teenagers, it’s kind of amazing that everyone lived. 

Probably the most notable difference is that his squip is gone. There’s no one in his head telling him what to do anymore. His lisp has come back. And even though at the party, getting rid of his squip was all that he wanted, he still finds it a little bittersweet that it’s gone now. 

The door to his room creaks open and he looks up to see Jake Dillinger wobbling in on an unsteady pair of crutches. This really isn’t what he needs right now. He set the guy’s house on fire, fucking destroyed it,  _ and _ he’s the reason he broke both of his legs. How the fuck is he supposed to live knowing that he royally fucked up his best friend’s life? He looks away from Jake, flips his head around so he’s facing the opposite side of the room. “Hey,” Jake says in a hushed whisper. “Sorry I couldn’t come to see you sooner. They wouldn’t let me in since I’m not family.”

“Why do you even  _ want  _ to thee me?” Rich asks, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. 

“It’s not your fault. It was the squip, wasn’t it?”

Rich turns back to Jake, confused. He never told Jake about his squip, how does he know? “How did you…?”

“We had an...incident at school. While you were here,” he explains. “Jeremy Heere had a squip, and it went kind of crazy trying to take over everyone. Everyone was drinking this stuff Mr. Reyes had for the play, and it had squips in it, so everyone had squips. Even me. They didn’t get shut off until Michael Mell came in with Mountain Dew red and Christine drank it.” Rich is dumbfounded. Squips tried to take over the school? With how his squip was acting on the night of the Halloween party, it really doesn’t seem that unlikely. “Remember a few summers ago and we were in my pool and you told me about squips? And I said you were crazy? Well, you were right.” 

“I’ve had it thince tenth grade,” Rich says. “When I got all popular or whatever, that wath from my thquip.” 

“That makes sense,” Jake says. “You were so different. You didn’t even seem like Rich anymore.” 

“I know,” Rich says. He glances down at Jake, whose legs are wrapped up in thick casts. “Thorry about your legth. I gueth that’th my fault.”

Jake shakes his head no. “I did this to myself trying to pull your chaotic ass out of the fire.” 

“You...you  _ what?”  _ Rich asks. 

“Yeah. I’m the one who pulled you out.”  

“You thaved me,” Rich realizes, and Jake just nods. “I think I love you,” he blurts. 

Jake laughs, reaches out a hand and places it over Rich’s. “I love you too, bro. I’m glad you’re okay.”

_ Bro.  _ “I’m theriouth, Jake. I think I love you,” he repeats. 

“I’m serious too, Rich. And I  _ know  _ I love you. I’ve known since freshman year. I just...always thought you were straight.”

“Um, my thquip,” he starts to say. “It, like, it  _ mathked _ my attraction to guyth.” Jake processes this, looking at him with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. “It’th okay, though. Becauthe I’m not sure what you would have wanted with me anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Rich looks up at him, but quickly glances away. He doesn’t want him to see the look in his eyes. “You know. I’m jutht...damaged goodth. I thet your houthe on fire, for fuckth thake.”

“Rich, I…”

Rich cuts him off, continuing on his ramble. “I mean, why would you want me when you could have Brooke or Chloe? I have thith thtupid fucking lithp, and all I do ith cauthe problemth, and I-“ 

“ _ Hey,”  _ Jake interjects. “You are  _ so  _ much more than that, okay? I love your lisp. It’s cute,” he continues. “And I don’t care about the shit that’s happened in your past. It’s who you are, and when I say I love you, I mean all of you. Okay?” 

Rich swallows, takes in a deep breath. “Okay.” 

“I really want to kiss you right now, but I’m pretty sure if I try to bend over I’ll fall on my ass and re-break both of my legs.”

Rich laughs, for the first time in —  _ God _ , he can’t even remember the last time he’s laughed. “I promise you, the first thing I’m going to do when I get out of this hospital bed is kiss you. Deal?” 

Jake grins and outstretches his hand to shake Rich’s. 

“Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> heres the list of things i want to write, not in any order:  
> \- showmance  
> \- sequel to my 5 times fic  
> \- let's go lesbians (aka, pinkberry getting together and coming out to the rest of the squip squad)  
> \- request for rich dancing and jake just being so mesmerized by his hips that they have to go fuck in jake's car


End file.
